Lunacy, Part VIII

 

We've never been asked this question when we play Catch the Mania trivia, but you never know. How many moons do we have flying around in our Solar System? The answer is 290. Mars has two, Jupiter 95, Saturn 146, Uranus 27, Neptune 14, and Pluto (yes, even poor dwarf planet Pluto) five. We have just the paltry one.

So, some interesting facts (to me, at least) about these "planetary satellites":

• Our Moon is a stabilizing force that makes the planet a more pleasant place for life (yay, Moon!).
• Mars' gravity is slowly tearing apart one of its moons, the hapless Phobos.
• Saturn's moons help shape its rings.
• The moons of Uranus are named for great literature. The major ones--Miranda, Ariel, Umbriel, Titania, and Oberon--can thank Shakespeare for their monikers.
• Pluto's moon, Charon, is so big it makes Pluto wobble.
• All of Pluto's moons--Charon, Nix, Hydra, Styx, and Kerberos--are named after mythological figures associated with the underworld.

This leads me to another question, well, two, actually. How do moons get named? And why haven't I been asked to name any of them?

The answer to the first question was easy to track down. Since 1973, the responsibility for naming moons has been allocated to the International Astronomical Union's committee for Planetary System Nomenclature. Prior to that, more often than not they were named by whoever discovered them.

On the second question, the only clear answer is that a grievous oversight has occurred. To remedy that, I am contemplating sending the IAUPSN an email making a case for my moon-naming skills. I might start with Pluto, proposing to update those hoary underworld names to something more modern, say, underwear brands. I would suggest, for example, that Charon be renamed Hanes, Nix changed to POLO, Hydra to Victoria's Secret, Styx to Buck Naked (Duluth Trading), and Kerberos to Calvin Klein.

I also find it kind of shocking and sad that our Moon is just called Moon, in much the same manner as the pig in Babe was just called "pig" by the farmer. We must do something about this. I asked Microsoft's AI for a suggestion and it came up with "Luminous Guardian" because the Moon "has been a constant companion of Earth for billions of years, and its presence has been a source of inspiration." Very noble but no, sorry, that won't do. 

If we're staying with the companion and protector theme, a much better choice for renaming the moon would be Taco. You might laugh, but our chihuahua Taco was the fierce guardian and steadfast friend of my childhood. If the moon should be renamed after anyone, it should be him. And think how much more fun the moon would be if we renamed it after my dog. We could look up and say, "Hey, it looks like a full Taco tonight!" Or we could camp out by Taco light! Or we could sing songs like "Fly Me to the Taco" or "Taco River"! Or see plays like "Taco for the Misbegotten"! Or go around tacoing people whenever we felt like it! The possibilities for joy are endless.

I'm going to start on my email to the IAU right away. If you have your own suggestions for redenomilunafication [moon rechristening], feel free to join in.

(Images: False-color image of Earth's Moon. NASA. Public domain.)