An Immodest Proposal (Lunacy, Part IX)

In 1729, Jonathan Swift of Gulliver's Travels fame wrote and published A Modest Proposal. In it, he suggested that the poor people of Ireland could ease their circumstances by selling their children as food to the "elites." He advised his readers that "a young healthy child well nursed is, at a year old, a most delicious and nourishing and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled, and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout."

It seems our still-wet-behind-the-ears Secretary of Health and Human Services is a fan of Jonathan Swift, at least in the sense of proposing unusual, innovative solutions to the nation's health problems. After all the to-do about the measles outbreak in Texas, RFK, Jr., who, as most know, is not a big fan of vaccines, proposed the following treatments to cure (not prevent, mind you) the disease:

“They have treated most of the patients, actually, over 108 patients in the last 48 hours. And they’re getting very, very good results, they report from budesonide, which is a steroid, it’s a 30-year-old steroid,” Kennedy said in the longest of the segments. “And clarithromycin [an antibiotic] and also cod liver oil, which has high concentrations of vitamin A and vitamin D.”

To be fair, Kennedy, who once proclaimed that "measles outbreaks have been fabricated to create fear," did say that people could get vaccinated if that were their choice, but he also warned that "the CDC in the past has not done a good job at quantifying the risk of vaccines — we are going to do that now."

While it seems unlikely (and most doctors would agree) that choking down cod liver oil, which contains Vitamin A, in amounts that might cause more harm than good will cure measles, I applaud Kennedy for keeping an open mind and taking an out-of-the-box approach to healthcare.

With that in mind, I want to offer my own proposal, this one "immodest" perhaps, for resolving another world problem: malnutrition and starvation. The Los Angeles Times reported on World Hunger Day (May 28) in 2017 that 1 in 9 people (725 million) go to bed hungry each night, that 1 in 3 suffer from malnutrition, and that each year "poor nutrition kills 3.1 million children under the age of 5." By 2024, the number of underfed people had risen to 820 million.

So, we aren't doing well, obviously, in keeping the world well-fed and nourished. We need some RFK, Jr. style "eureka" thinking on this. While pondering this and trying to keep my eyes open at 5 a.m., I had my own epiphany. Air plants! Why not genetically modify humans into epiphytes?

What are air plants, you ask. Very simply, they are organisms that derive their moisture and nutrients from the air, rain, water (in marine environments), and debris around them. Here are some of the qualities that make humans as epiphytes an appealing idea to solve world hunger:

• They won't need food provided by someone or something else.
• They can grow indoors or outdoors.
• They are pest-resistant.
• They are low maintenance (if inside, they just need to be misted or left in water once a week for an hour, and who doesn't like a long shower or soak in the tub?).
• They can be propagated.
• They clean the air.
• They are fun to display in a home (probably not applicable to ending malnutrition and starvation, but it does suggest some intriguing possibilities).

The next question is, of course, is this idea feasible? If you ask an AI about this, and I did, the answer is, "Sorry, no relevant information was found in our search." That means there's only one way to find out: write RFK, Jr. and ask him to set this task to the researchers at the National Institutes of Health (if there are any left). Now that the NIH is less focused on silly projects like preventing tooth decay, finding ways to treat bipolar disorder, and creating dreaded vaccines, I'm sure we'll have an answer in no time.

If this works, it could be earth-shaking for improving human lives, not to mention our environment. I think it is well worth pursuing. And for those opposed to all things GMO, well, as Jonathan Swift might say, "There's always the kids."

Image:  Tillandsia air plant by cristty from Pixabay

Lunacy: any form of insanity; absurdity, stupidity; wild foolishness, extravagant folly.

(Note to readers: RatBlurt is moving, slowly and not so surely, to Substack. He will let you know, or you will get a Welcome email, once he is set up there.)